Freedom-hidden in plain view

When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky. Buddha

Today.. . it is one of those mornings where there is a synergistic confluence of the mind, the heart, and the ever-present spirit. Raising goosebumps and revealing a rawness in my heart space. An alignment of elements in my life that allow me to see, to truly experience what is always available but unfortunately not always felt. One of those moments where the simplest, most common of things elicit poignancy and power, that stir deep levels of sensation and emotion. The openness of an unguarded and undefended heart, allowing what is to enter deeply in. Perhaps like the first meal after a fast, the first tender touch when all you have known is callous, the joy of seeing a loved one after a long absence, the power of connection after a loss... it is often the opposites in life, these polarities, that bring a sweet appreciation for what is to light. Nothing has changed, but rather there has been an internal shift that has allowed the beauty of what is, to truly be seen, to be felt- more deeply, more fully.

Those moments where layers of constriction and restraint, that originated to protect me, are met with enough safety that there is a deep guttural ahhhhhh.... of release. Of being able to set down a heavy load that, while we have grown accustomed to carrying, once gone the burgeoning powerful force of life and lightness and freedom effortlessly arises and emerges. Like the removal of a dam that allows the water to naturally gush and flow in its organic and natural state. The removal of the dam doesn't change or create the vitality and force of the water, it simply frees its true nature. Similarly, these moments, moments when my own true nature was glimpsed, was felt, are still some of the most vivid memories of my life. Today is one of those. In contrast to previous ones, it didn't come in a dramatic therapeutic group encounter, a powerful yoga session, or through the presence of an attuned other, but is happening right here as I lay in bed with the sun rising and a veil lifted that allows the power and beauty of the moment to touch my now less guarded heart. It is an overflowing of joy that simultaneously elicits tears and laughter, in my experience two of the most quintessential powerhouses of release and signs of transformational shifts in unconscious programming.

The impetus was an interview between two men who modeled compassion, truth, and vulnerability in ways that if one is open, can beckon one's own true nature to emerge. One quote landed especially deeply in my psyche, like a truth my system was thirsty for and ever since hearing has been circulating, satiating starving cells, like a missile seeking out all places of holding and lies that keep me bound from a freedom that is always waiting and mine for the claiming, a freedom that most of us once experienced as children. Truly it is more of a remembering...

Life will present you with the people and circumstances that will reveal where you are not free. Peter Crone

Which begs to question, where am I not free?

If you follow my blog, you know the loss of my marriage and my tendency to persevere beyond what is healthy have been layers of this "stepping into freedom" journey I am on. Opportunities to grow and heal and believe in my worth led me to an untenable show down between on one side my characterological difficulty with "giving up" and tendency to put others' needs before my own versus another side- my healing journey and growing self-love that believed I was worthy of a relationship where there was truth, where I was cared for and loved physically and emotionally, where there was trust, where an unrepetent addiction and unhealed harm didn't stain what should be the safe and sacred bond of marriage.

Emerge the next layer of freedom (after a few bumps in the road), an amazing man who was the exact opposite of everything I had known relationally since I was 20. Someone who just by being who he is inspires me to be the best version of myself, who is unfailingly honest and direct, who shows me physical affection, deep intimacy, and relational care for my heart all wrapped in a hard working, physical package that still makes my heart speed up. The urge to put him on a pedestal was strong, because while none of us are perfect and that quest is an illusion in itself, he is perfect for me in an overwhelming number of ways. Albeit, while the pendulum indeed and gratefully has swung, it has (as the quote above says) presented me with a new layer where... yep, I am not free. Leaving my husband revealed the growth of self-love that I did not deserve bad things, the hamster wheel of endlessly trying and trying some more and still getting nowhere. Fast forward to current day where now, this new relationship has unveiled a new manifestation of this, a cosmic invitation if you will, to step into believing I deserve good things. Subtle, but important difference. To release the insecurity that has contributed to me playing small, putting up with the unthinkable, sacrificing my needs, desires, and self respect in deference to the seemingly noble act of caring for and trying to save another at the cost of myself.

This can sound self sanctifying and I have been down that leg of it. But in truth, I have come to understand how playing small served me as well- allowed my insecurity to hide, to permit the more subtle to be overshadowed by the more glaring struggles of another. Letting that shield go allowed a beautiful opportunity to emerge to find a relationship that is first and foremost safe on all levels, to step out of survival and step into surrender and thriving. To feel at a deep primal level what safety, trust, and being held truly means. To have energy that is no longer clawing for the basics but is invited to experience the transcendent. To allow my insecurity to emerge from a beautiful confluence of self growth, relational safety, and cosmic synchronicity to not only be felt, but shared, received and held by another.

One aspect of this revealing is the fear that this type of transcendent love can engender. I knew it holding my firstborn daughter after losing two babies before her. That joy that breaks one's heart wide opens and concurrently made me want to keep her and I cocooned in safety where nothing could ever take her away or hurt her. Like a child who hoards food after having been starving. But this new paradigm and these truths it has allowed to emerge have been circulating my mind, body and spirit over the past few days loosening, softening, revealing, mending, opening so, so many hidden crevices and tucked away hurts and lies. Self-protective survival that ironically keeps me imprisoned and will inevitably taint and most likely destroy that which I fear losing. To grasp something beautiful too tightly simply another manifestation of the wound and lie of unworthiness that previously led me to stay when all logic said to go.

Why do you stay in prison when the door is wide open? Rumi

This confluence of truths serving this sacred act of potentiating my invitation to freedom. A seed planted and watered and fertilized by so many soul connections in my life, ready and ripe for this explosion of awareness, of opening, of healing. My human mind and heart never wants to lose what I have and I am committed to giving all of me to now grow and nurture something healthy and life-affirming. Replacing any urges to grasp, cling, or be ruled with fear with surrender, trust, and faith emerging from the fertile soil of the remembering of my worth. Faith founded in a powerful truth- that while he may be the catalyst for revealing this truth, this self-love and freedom are available to all of us, it is our birthright. Truly, it is a blessing to have those others in our life that affirm it, water it and feed it in ways more challenging to do on our own. Indeed, I actually believe it is a sign of privilege to pretend there is an equal playing field when our lives are so vastly diverse in terms of resources versus challenges. We are interpersonal beings and in my own life it is the blessings of an amazing community of strong women that have loved me unconditionally, held me in my darkest times, who have supported my growth and healing through the years, who have strengthened me for this very moment. Readying me for this sacred union and relational connection that has catapulted me to this new plateau, that I truly do not know if I could have arrived at without my community of amazing women and now this beautiful partnership. Because of this, this special soul will always hold a sacred place in my heart and my deep, heartfelt gratitude for his role in revealing this capacity to feel love, to know my needs and voice matter, to feel passion and joy, excitement, and longings that are held and met, to feel the humility and joy of receiving a most sacred gift. To have this gift of exploration and self-growth in a safe relationship where an opportunity to play and explore my own edges of freedom, of allowing love in, of trusting in my own strength and worth to allow my vulnerability to be witnessed and held by him and by me. Yes, another offered me a hand filled with grace and kindness, eyes filled with invitation and challenge inherent in seeing a strength, potential, and worth I didn't even know the depth of which I had, to reveal this part of me. But it is a part of me, a kind of beautiful Pandora's box that now opened, now that the sweetness of the contents have been felt, truly felt, can never again be closed and buried, denied and refuted. The beautiful irony being that in releasing the constriction of fear interpersonally with another safe soul, it too will invite and make space for a deeper knowing intrapersonally, grounded in my inherent worth. Truth is a truth is a truth, right?

A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on its own wings.

It is beautiful my friends. I have tears streaming down as I write this. It is heart-opening and unprotected. Unprotected meaning yes I can get hurt, but oh my, the sensation and pleasure and feelings and crazy sweetness of every moment when I shed those protective shieldings. It is so worth it. The man, the relationship may be the catalyst, but it is a truth so profound once the barriers preventing its emergence are loosened and removed, it is ready and able to flow forth, burst out, to flood and permeate every cell of my being and of my life. Beyond the man. Beyond the relationship. A powerful trust and truth of my innate value and of the beauty of God's plan for my life- a tapestry of pieces that are perfectly orchestrated for my emergence, for my higher purpose. Allowing me to step more fully into trusting the goodness of the universe, the sweetness and rawness of the now to appreciate it, to savor it without the burden of the past or the fear of the future. So... I welcome the laughter at the beauty of light when my blinders are removed. I welcome this new lightness now that a heavy load has been relinquished. I welcome the tears and the healing remembrance of my worth, of my value, indeed of my true nature of deep acceptance and love, of the magic of this world we live in and the benevolence of the universe, of God's plan for me, for each of us. In the surrender of the illusion of my lies and false sense of control, I embrace the miracle of remembering, of the right here and now, of connection, of being, of love.

Freedom, do you want a taste?